After a 20 minutes taxi ride and sexual tension in the air… I felt embarrassed for the man driving the car, sitting silently the whole way there, pretending we were not making out the whole way there.
The car stopped beside a large concrete wall, to the left, home: a large, black metal door, tucked incognito inside the concrete wall that extended a whole block. Kevin unlocked the large iron door that opened to a charming little courtyard that symbolized the charm of the glorious city of Oaxaca.
The space suddenly struck me. Two realities suddenly merge. I had seen this place before, but only on a computer screen. Seeing it in person made the reality of me being that all that more vivid. I still couldn’t believe I was there, with him.
He opened the door to his apartment. I was greeted by a beautiful aroma: a wide selection of fresh flowers placed strategically around the apartment. I was so touched. I could just imagine his preparation for my arrival… choosing the flowers, smelling them… wondering what he was feeling that day, what was going through his mind…
My next memory was of us making love again … Finally.
Finally, April 21st had arrived. I was on my way to Oaxaca after two and a half months of not seeing each other. The anticipation was intense. Having very limited communication, mostly over Skype, I was wondering what our encounter would be like. Would things be different ? At this point, I had forgotten the smell of his skin, the touch of his hand, the taste of his lips. I was scared, and I was excited.
My plane landed. I followed the passengers and stopped at the immigration line, and filled out my declaration form. I don’t think I’d ever written so fast in my life. My heart was beating fast. Every step I got closer to the exit, I looked for him. As I retrieved my bags, I looked for him. He was nowhere to be seen.
As I exited the security doors, I followed a few passengers. I looked about the airport interior: no Kevin. I then decided to go for the exit and stopped. At the end of a line of passengers exiting the airport, there He stood: at the right side of the exit, maybe 15 feet away from me, holding a red rose and a smile on his face.
Seeing him in person again, after what felt like so much longer than two and a half months, was a feeling i still can’t describe. Remembering it brings back butterflies to my stomach. He was beautiful, tanned, standing there waiting for me.
He couldn’t wait for me to meet him, he walked toward me. We met with a tender embrace. My first reaction was to smell him: to smell this human being I’d missed for so long. I could smell the adventures in him, I could smell the distance… it was both familiar, and unfamiliar. We kissed for a few seconds, but passengers struggled to get passed us. I asked for us to step aside, to where we could be more alone.
He took my bag for me as I held my rose. We settled beside the airport, on a concrete area surrounded by palm trees. I couldn’t believe I was finally there. I hugged him, kissed him, until we settled on the ground, embracing, desperately searching for each other’s smell, and touch. To touch the REAL thing instead of a distant computer screen.
The love I felt for him then was different than the one we parted with. It was renewed, it had grown, evolved. We had changed. But the love, the connection and chemistry, was very present.
I suddenly remembered everything I loved about this boy. Gradually my body began to remember everything. His warmth, his skin, his smell, his touch, his lips… My heart beat sped up. We were making out in the middle of patch of concrete, as passengers in taxi cabs waited in line to leave the airport.
Moments later, all the passengers had left the airport. No taxis in sight.
We finally found a taxi to take us home…
Upon arriving to Mazunte, a small costal town in the state of Oaxaca, Mexico, we walked the beach looking for a place to stay. The first place we saw was a beautiful little penthouse overlooking the ocean. It was dirty but it had charm. It wasn’t until we saw bed bugs on the mattress that we decided to look elsewhere.
Suddenly, Kevin tells me he found a wonderful place, and negotiated the price to 300 pesos a night, roughly 25 $ for both, per night. As we walked up a long line of stairs, Kevin told me to pretend we had a fight, to play bon cop bad cop, and I was to be the bad cop to lower the price. I don’t like lying and manipulating, but I decided to play the game, even though I wasn’t comfortable with it.
The owner, a short Mexican in his 30s, stood there with his sunglasses. I didn’t like his energy much. I played the role when he told me the price, I looked at Kevin, pretending to be upset, and started negotiating with the man. His response was, “Did you come here to be a tourist or a jerk?” Touche. I stopped playing the game. I looked at Kevin, we mutually agreed to take the place.
It was a beautiful and private cabin overlooking the beach. Outside kitchen and dining area, king size bed, large bathroom…the view was stunning. For $ 25 a night, it was a no-brainer.
The ocean was very calm for the first few days. On day three or four, the water started to act up. Huge waves crashing on the shore. I was filled with excitement, whereas Kevin’s expression was more cautious.
One of the beautiful things about Kevin and I is our differences. In spirit, I am a risk-taker, I love thrills and adrenaline rush. The prospect of these huge waves was exhilarating to me.
The waves became a strong topic of disagreement between us during our 12-day stay in this beautiful, isolated beach town. Kevin was so concerned about my life whenever he sensed my excitement at the prospect of being thrown about by these waves. .
Entering the water for the first time, Kevin was hesitant. As you walk in, the pull of the waves would suck all the sea water from beneath your feet. The trick is, when do you get it to avoid being crashed on ? Basically, you have to wait for the wave to crash and then run in as fast as you can before another wave is formed. Well, watching Kevin sprint into the water screaming… priceless.
I hear his voice in my head now, as larger waves formed before us, “Chris ! Chris !” Kevin panicking, the current was strong.. I laughed as I watched him fear waves that were not that big in the first place.
Any time I would start swimming deeper off the coastline, he would urge me to come back. He would swim toward me, to protect me, it was adorable.
I explained to him the technique, how you had to dive into the wave to avoid being washed onto the shore line.
After a few more days of Kevin worrying, even threatening to call my mother, he eventually relaxed into the waves, and soon enough, he was diving into the current like a pro.
Kevin had the idea of starting a journal of memories and experiences we shared together while on a two-week trip in Oaxaca, Mexico.
Kevin, the “Frenchman That Never French Kissed Me” has finally french-kissed me. But it’s not often. And I’ve come to love that we don’t French Kiss. I’ve come to appreciate the tenderness of his kiss. The softness of his lips against mine. It’s as though his lips are making love to mine. It makes kissing a beautiful and sacred experience.
I feel lucky to have him in my life. Kevin has taught me so much about who I am, but more importantly, he has guided me toward who I want to be. I am still growing a lot these days, and in him, I see the reflection of who I am becoming. It’s as though we see in each other, not who we are, but who we want to be. And in each other’s presence, I feel the strongest growth. And when we part, I feel myself going back to old habits.
I think there is a strong spiritual intent behind our coming together. We stimulate each other to evolve, to become, I think, who we were meant to be in this life.
Kevin makes me want to be a better man. More healthy. More grounded. To take control of my life. To take responsibility for my actions.
The love I see mirrored back at me in his eyes, is so pure, so unconditional, so complete. And when he looks at me like that, he has become who he is meant to be. It’s as though in one moment, he embodies the best of who he is, and in turn, brings out the best in me.
I am so in love with him. And even though at times it isn’t easy, at times I resist the scope of this great love, I resist the changes it provokes in my Being, I know in my heart, that it’s all for the best, and that I must trust this process whole-heartedly.
In these times of intense change, where it seems all exterior life is shifting, he proves to be a symbol of stability. In a time where my future seems so unknown, he has decided to be the only known thing in it. He has decided to stick by my side, at a time where so much uncertainty awaits me. I never asked anything of him, yet he continues to demonstrate the qualities of a great, great partner in life.
I sometimes wonder if we are both ready for this kind of love; a love that is quite rare, and maybe even happens once or twice in a lifetime. Even though i’ve never been so afraid, i’ve never been so excited. It’s startling how our love has never ceased to expand and renew, evolve and grow. This love has asked of me to change so much, to evolve beyond anything I could have imagined… And despite my fears and resistance at times, I simply can’t wait to experience more !
― Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now
— His Holiness the Dalai Lama
You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed. Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.
But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you. This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.
Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.